Thank God and Greyhound, She's Gone (still)

I am so glad I don't have to put up with my ex's bullshit anymore.

Its been a shade and a half over four years since we split the sheets and I can honestly say I am tickled to death that she is out of my life. I suspect it is the Christmas season that is bringing on this latest feeling of euphoria and bliss. We had a lot of memories tied to Christmas and somehow they are all bad. Granted, the year her dad died on Christmas Eve was understandibly rough; but there were alot of other holiday seasons she managed to ruin for me and my family with her moody, selfish, pouting, vengeful load of crap dramatics.

If you have read previous posts you might be able to tell that I am one of those guys that is constantly evaluating and re-evaluating his life. Well, prior to learning a few key things about myself I was often prone to depression and other hang-ups. I have to admit, for about the first year after she and I broke up I was fairly tore up. I cycled through various emotions and almost got back with her at one point. I believed that she was my "one", my only true love and other adolescent ideals. I had no idea the depths to which her deception ran. I know now that she was only using me as a means to provide support for her child until he was of age to turn over to the public school system.

Then, slowly, things began to reveal themselves to me. Things like truth, and a level headed view point. Eventually I came to a realization; everything that was wrong with that twisted bitch was her own problem and not my fault after all! I found out all the guys she had been trying to sleep with, the poisonous lies she told some of my other friends and family; and a whole ton of other shit. I swear, I have seen alot of evil in this world but I will never understand the ways of an evil woman. She probably would have gotten me good if it wasn't for her being just so god-damned blatantly stupid. The only thing that I am thankful of is the sex. She had such an incredibally low opinion of herself, and zero self esteem to boot, that I could have done anything I wanted (and in fact, often did); I'm talking the kinds of things you don't even talk about with your buddies around a campfire. So I got that out of my system at least (hey, maybe that will help detract from any chance at a mid-life crisis!).

But where I used to feel a little bit of longing for what we "had", now I can look back and smile with joy. I realize now that I had to go through that weird and abusive cycle in order to be what I am today. I know that we all need to experience that one unhealthy obsessive realtionship in order to truly appreciate the good ones that come along later; the trick is to make sure that you only have the one and that it ends reasonably soon. She was someone that I pined over all through high-school and by the time we finally got together we were both two entirely different people. The truth of the matter is, I never should have answered the phone the night she left her husband. I never should have allowed my room-mate to wake me up to take the call. I should have never gotten back with her when I kicked her out of my life after only 6 months together. I never should have done alot of things, but I did and there ya have it. So do I regret my time with her?

Yes and no. She taught me everything about what I don't want in a woman, but at the same time she scarred me some too. My heart has always been a bit hardened, but she was one of those girls that managed to get through the barrier and screw me up but good. I am just tickled to death that I don't have any hanging issues because of her. What I mean by that is: I don't hate all the women on earth, or blame any other women for the shit she did. I very easily could have become that person, but I have had wonderful success in coming out of this unscathed. I tell you what else, she has made for one hell of an inspiration for a "bad-guy" in my DnD games and short stories! Whenever I have to step into the role of a Non-player character in my games that is a female, I just think of her and my players are amazed at how believable and deliciously evil my female bad-guys are. But I digress...

For the most part, she hasn't even been close to my thoughts for months, but I got to thinking of her recently when a dear friend of mine was sharing with me some of the silly shit she told him after we broke up. All of it was lies of course, the typical "I-hate-you-now-post-break-up" stuff. The cool thing is that instead of getting mad (my heart-rate didn't even go up) it made me laugh. What I found particularly curious is that she was blaming for stuff that happened in our relationship that she was responsible for. Now I will be the first to admit that I could have done things differently at times, and I know there were things that went wrong that were completely my fault and I will own up to that. So it's not like I am saying I am perfect or anything; but yeah, she was blaming me for some of the wildest things. It's sad and pathetic really because it's me she is trying to hurt when she says those things and I am the only other one that knows the truth!

Anyway, so yeah, piss on her...I'm glad she's gone. My life has been terribly great without her and I have done nothing but continue to stride down a road of continual professional and personal success since I shed the dead weight of a bad girl-friend. I think that sums it up perfect actually: as a person she was passable, as a woman she was fine, but as a girl-friend she was absolutely lousy.

I love self affirmation.

Until my heart is blinded again, I remain...

Son of Simp